Time to stop being defined by others?
What type of person are you?
There are two types of people in the world, what type are you? There are those who care what others think about them, and those who rarely give it a second thought. The former usually relies on other people’s feedback, whilst the latter knows that they have all the answers they need. Many of us fall into the first category, but really, we need a good mixture if we are to grow and develop to lead a balanced and happy life.
What is external validation?
External validation is where you seek approval, appreciation and acceptance from an external source, whether that be your family, friends, work colleagues, or in some cases even your social media connections. It happens because you are not sure if you are good enough, you perhaps feel less confident about your own abilities, have low self-esteem and/or just want to feel better about yourself.
From being young children, we look to our parents for praise, to congratulate us and say well done. After that the responsibility for our success/happiness tends to fall to our teachers and then perhaps our employers, sometimes even our partners or siblings. Essentially you become a people pleaser to get that much-needed validation, so you end up ignoring your own needs and focusing instead on the needs of others.
Be true to yourself
When we rely solely on external validation, it stops us from doing many things. It can hold us back from expressing our true selves for fear of what others may think. We might change our thoughts, or beliefs, based on how others react, rather than what we actually feel. In addition, it might stop us from developing in a way that feels true to who we are. Sometimes it can also make us feel disconnected, unfulfilled and unhappy as we start to doubt ourselves, always turning to others to encourage and motivate us.
Essentially, by assigning your self-worth and measurement of success to the approval of others, you stop listening to your own internal voice to:
Determine how you are doing
Acknowledge and process your strengths and emotions
Measure your progress
Boost your feelings of self-worth and fulfilment
Recognise you’ve done the best you can in a given situation
Listen to your internal voice
It’s natural to want some external validation, but occasionally if the level become unhealthy it can cause us to become needy, anxious, depressed and unable to deal objectively with disapproval, criticism or rejection. What we need instead it to learn how to validate ourselves. And remember, external validation should always be in addition to self-validation, not in place of it.
Self-validation isn’t something you can just choose to do. It takes time, effort and lots of practice. Here are some examples of self-validation. Why don’t you try a few and see how you get on?
Take the time to understand yourself and what you want and need - rest when you’re tired, eat when you’re hungry, give yourself a treat when you’ve earned it.
Acknowledge your strengths, successes, progress, and efforts.
Notice and accept your feelings without judgment or attempting to change them.
Prioritise your needs - don’t minimise or deny them.
Encourage yourself with realistic goals and objectives.
Plan for imperfection - good is ok, not everything has to be perfect.
Treat yourself with kindness/Say nice things to yourself/Be positive.
Accept your limitations, flaws, and mistakes.
Stop comparing yourself to others – you are a unique individual.
Be fair and don’t judge yourself too harshly.
Take a break from social media.
Practice mindfulness and self-care.
Write down or journal your feelings.
Know you are enough.
Recognise you are doing your best.
How I can help
If you’d like some help to understand that your sense of self-esteem comes from the inside, not the outside, please get in touch. I can support you to become more connected with yourself, learn to accept things and be able to accurately endorse yourself, thus reducing your reliance on others.